Day 746

Day 746 Tuesday January 22, 2019 845 Days to Go

Many people want to know how this government shutdown is going to end. Fortunately, for you my readers I have the answer! Using science, statistics and predictability we can know how the shutdown will end. Let me explain.
First, science says – and to be clear it is in the realm of quantum physics we must go, but go there we will! – that for example in the case of the famed photon slit experiment that one must consider all outcomes, and so we shall.

Second, statistics says – and in this case we move to the case of weather prediction – that it is better to run the model and models of weather prediction many times as it will yield a better predictive outcome than just running a model once.
And so, in this screed I offer one way in which the shutdown could end. But I forewarn you, this is one of many, and it is not the only way, nor is it in all likelihood the most probable, but it is, I assure you gentle reader, a way. A way like no other. So without further adieu:

DATELINE WASHINGTON, DC:
A man was spotted at Reagan National Airport as acting suspiciously. His clothes were in tatters. He seemed smeared in blood, vomit, and excrement. He was mumbling incoherently, and at first refused help from local authorities. He tried to become violent. However, his poor condition and age did not allow him much fight and he gave in readily to local constraint, once shown a taser by a large black police woman who asked him, “You want some of this Honey?” He shook his head and shrank back onto a metal bench saying, “No, no, please.”
Upon closer inspection it was thought, and later verified, that this was indeed Mitch McConnell, The leader of the U.S. Senate. Some said he appeared “wild eyed.” Others noted his shirt cuffs and Senate inscribed links still around his wrists while the rest of the shirt appeared to have been ripped to shreds by a tiger as it hung from his limbs and shoulders in long thin tatters. He still had on his round metal rimmed glasses, which were greatly eschew. However, it was the glasses that first led some to think that this disheveled man might be the turtle of the Senate.
Medical staff assessed his condition, which was not good. His heart rate was very fast. An indication that he was under the influence of an amphetamine of some sort. This was confirmed by the fact that his body was covered by nicotine patches and his blood work revealed a high incidence of cocaine.
He began to cry and scream as the patches were ripped off of him and when the police on the scene suggested that perhaps he had a cocaine suppository inserted in his rectum he backed himself into a corner and pushed against both cheeks of his buttocks screaming, “Please, no more!”
Eventually, they got him somewhat sedated and removed what some would call a large teabag or dobie that seemed to have held cocaine. Naturally, under sentencing laws he had to be charged not only with possession but given the size of the dobie with distribution even though trying to distribute cocaine out of your ass seemed unlikly, rules were rules.
Then came one of the more fantastic parts of this story. It involves one Frank Packer. Mr. McConnell had a backpack and in it were assorted scissors, knives, water and shampoo bottles as well as a picture of Mr. Packer hugging a rather dejected Mr. McConnell. Mr. Packer is known to wear dresses and in this case it appeared to be a ballet tutu and a two day growth of beard. He is known in certain circles by the nickname of “Fudge” for his proclivity to participate in a certain sexual act, oftentimes without the consent of the other participant. Mr. McConnell asserted that Fudge and his friends inserted the aforesaid suppository and then placed it even deeper in his bowels by using Mr. Packer’s rather massive male appendage to do so. It is thought that this activity may have broken open the suppository and let the drug enter the bloodstream unimpeded.
Mr. McConnell also had a number of papers in his possession, which appeared to be a large legislative bill for consideration. He said he had to get to the Capital as quickly as possible so as to have the Senate vote on it, sight unseen. “They’ll vote for anything if I tell them to,” said Mr. McConnell. He seemed quite jumpy, which he attributed to an electric shock that was deep inside him and remotely triggered. Apparently, the cocaine wasn’t the only thing Mr. Packer and his pals inserted.
This bill was referred to as omnibus and included the words “Five Billion for a Wall.” Apparently, it was for a banner to be hung behind the president at a future awards ceremony. Otherwise, there was no mention of the wall. It did include expanded ACA coverage and Medicare for All, elimination of student debts, a $15 minimum wage with a COLA, a tax structure called the McConnell/Ocasio-Cortez graduated tax, which included a 70% tax on people making over fifty million in a year.
McConnell said it would pass the Senate and the president would sign it. He said that if he didn’t get this done within 48 hours the remote buzzer to his bowels was going to be given to Nancy Pelosi. There was a second bill to simultaneously impeach both the president and vice-president “on general principle,” which he wasn’t sure he could get passed, but hope they would seriously consider. He said this as he seemed to receive another jolt. The omnibus bill also called for a special commission to review all Trump appointments and to demand their resignation until reinstatement was granted. Many said this seemed unlikely to come to fruition, but Mr. McConnell assured all, with another jump and convulsion, that he thought they would come around.
As for himself, he said he had had a most enlightening few days. First he was detained by the unpaid TSA staff and suspected of drug smuggling, which engendered a “cavity check.” Then he was taken by unpaid FBI agents and questioned at length about possible ties to Russia, China, and possible illegal financial transactions. At which point he was seized by unpaid CIA agents and flown to what he was told was a former “black site” where he was interrogated using waterboarding techniques, sleep and food deprivation, as well as asked to confess to various crimes. All of which he willingly did. He was flown to a remote Afgan site where he was invited to have tea with some of the Mujhadin who wanted to know why the White House had not picked up the phone when they called to turn over Osama bin Laden. Not having an answer, the men suggested that perhaps he needed some re-education and produced a drill and bit that they thought perhaps a little brain surgery via the temple could clear the cobwebs. His handler whisked him away.
He said he felt like he was in an episode of an updated version of “A Christmas Carol.” Funny guy the Mitch.
Mr. McConnell had no recollection of meeting Mr. Packer. He seemed to think that after he smoked from that hookah it might have happened as everything from that point on is a blank, other than a few terrifying flashbacks.
When TSA officials were asked about the circumstances of Mr. McConnell’s security check none could recall him. They only said that whatever was done was “normal operating procedure” and that they looked forward to seeing some of the other Republican Senators.

845 Days to Go

PS The Blood Moon Boogie.