Day 954 Saturday August 17, 2019
445 Days until the 2020 election and 527 days until the Inauguration
DENMARK BUYS U.S.
GIVES TRUMP GREENLAND
DECLARES HIM KING
DATELINE Copenhagen:
Denmark today bought the United States of America.
It was a surprise move after they told president Trump Greenland was not for sale.
They offered instead to buy the U.S.
In moves reminiscent of other takeovers, notably KKR buying Nabisco with junk bonds in the 80s and the Pew Charitable Trust’s taking of the Barnes Collection by putting up the assets of the target as collateral, Denmark managed to convince president Trump that he could be king if he’d immediately move there and sign a declaration giving the United States of America to Denmark. In exchange, Denmark would give Trump Greenland, the title of King of Greenland, and a large strip of land in Greenland on which to build a condo complex and three 18 hole golf courses.
“It’s a great deal,” said Mr. Trump. “What with climate change and the melting ice in Greenland, every day we are reclaiming more land.”
In order to cinch the deal Denmark promised to pay the top 1% and the top 1/10th of 1% billions and billions of Krona, financed with Chines junk bonds. They also promised to make Ivanka a princess.
“Who doesn’t want their daughter to be a princess?” said Mr. Trump. Jared will be a prince, of course.
“He already is a prince,” said Mr. Trump. “Just look what his family business has done to that shithole called Baltimore.”
Erik and Donald will become duke and arch-duke, respectively.
“Why can’t I be an arch-duke?” asked Eric.
“Because I am,” said Donnie.
“Oh,” said Erik.
“See Spot run!” said Jane. (Wait, how did that get in here?)
The family has been put aboard the Presidential yacht and are now steaming toward their new home.
Updates to follow.
PS Guatemalans blacklisted by Trump
445 Days until the 2020 election and 527 days until the Inauguration
Wonderful!