Day 627 Friday October 5, 2018 954 Days to Go
I started writing these screeds shortly after Donald Trump got elected as a way to deal with the physical pain I felt from what had happened. What had happened to me; what had happened to this country. I wasn’t exactly sure what it was (that had happened), but one thing I learned via all that therapy over various relationships that I was trying to understand was – you should pay attention to the physical feelings that your body is sending you. If you feel pain; you should pay attention. Same with joy, or sadness, or sexiness – pay attention.
When the results of the 2016 election were clear my body reacted.
I paid attention. I reacted by writing.
I am getting that kind of feeling again.
I feel in my gut this growing pain and in my mind a sense of apprehension.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but I can tell you this. What Doctor Ford said was real.
How do I know?
I’ve heard it before – many times.
Any man who says otherwise has never known a woman. Really known.
For me, it goes back to high school. I can remember the first time. We were “getting serious.” By that I mean we were on the verge of heavy petting, of exploring each others bodies in those erogenous zones, in those places that could stimulate and excite one’s body to sexual reaction. This is intimacy, physical intimacy.
We had to stop because she wanted to tell me something, something terrible in her opinion. A few years before a boy had done something to her. She felt ashamed. She felt guilty. She was fifteen. He was seventeen. I knew him. Or, I should say, I knew of him. He was bigger, stronger. Maybe, he was slightly a bully. I don’t know for sure. What had happened? She wasn’t exactly sure. Did you have sex? I guess so, she said. She cried. I told her it didn’t matter. Are you sure? Yes, I’m sure. She wasn’t. I held her. We haltingly explored our sexuality. But I’m not sure she could really get past that experience. That she could really trust herself, or me, or us.
To have that state of bliss that comes from the most intimate of acts, requires not only trust but confidence in yourself. In those moments you are the most vulnerable, the most powerful, the most raw. You are totally exposed for who you are. Many people can’t handle that. Many are scared. Scared of themselves, of what they might do, of what they might reveal or discover – to others and themselves. They hide from it; they avoid it; they deny it.
Over those dating years I heard what I called “The Confession.” I called it “taking confession.”
It was always the same pattern:
“When I was X; so and so did something. I’m ashamed.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Are you sure?”
“Why would you want me?”
Damaged goods. A feeling of being bad, of being violated. That there was something they should have done or said differently and this wouldn’t have happened.
The confessions I heard were always about another boy, never about an older adult pressing themselves upon the person. I do have a close friend whom I walked back to her motel room one night. It was late. The next day she thanked me, and in an off-hand manner said, “I survived an attack from Ted Bundy.”
That had a profound effect on me. I wasn’t sure when I was walking her back exactly why I was doing it. Maybe I would be invited in, maybe not. She was a friend. Maybe it would be more than that. I don’t know what I was thinking, but for whatever reason. I thought I ought to see her to her door. Now? I’m glad I did what I did. I’m glad nothing more happened between us. And my awareness, to always do what I can to make sure a woman feels safe is heightened in my mind.
I don’t know how a single Senator can vote to confirm Brett Kavanaugh after they heard the testimony of Dr Ford. If they do, they will have to look a woman in the eye, at some point in their lives, be it their wife, their daughter, a woman who accosts them and says, “I was a victim of sexual assault. I was raped.” They will have to look them in the eye, and see the pain, the humiliation, and they will have to turn away.
I don’t know how they rationalize it. I have seen many men do it. Women too. I don’t know how you do that. I don’t understand. I feel pain, sorrow, hurt, anger.
I saw Jodi “make ‘em squeal” Ernst at the back of the hearing room when Kavanaugh was leaving, waiting to shake his hand and look up to him. How can she do that? What happened to all those bold statements she made about socking it to them and making them squeal?
And Susan Collins? If not the dumbest, certainly the most gullible member of the Senate. What is she going to say when Brett and the gang overturn Roe v Wade? “I didn’t think he would do that.”?
He all but said he would.
The only person with any spine is Heidi Heitkamp. She has said you gotta do what’s right. That it isn’t about politics. If she loses her seat so be it. Donations to her campaign have been flooding in.
Orin Hatch, Chuck Grassley, Tom Tillis, Mike Lee, John Cronin went before the microphones and lied. They will have to face their own private hells.
If Kavanaugh gets confirmed we’ll have our first shot at him being replaced when I’m 98 or 108 or 118.
How much damage this man can do in that interim is incalculable.
He had never tried a case in court.
He was a member of the Starr commission that went after the Clintons. Rod Rosenstein worked with him there. His job on the Starr commission was to leak stuff to the press to embarrass the Clintons, especially Hillary, whom he hates.
He has given speeches where he talks about judicial temperament, and impartiality. By his own assessment, he fails.
90% of his paper trail in the White House we have not gotten to see, nor have the Senators.
As to the FBI not investigation but supplemental review. Can you imagine if Chris Wray, Brett’s classmate from law school gets asked about that?
Question: There were two principal witnesses in this probe. One was Dr. Ford. Did you interview her?
Question: The other principal was Brett Kavanaugh. Did you interview him?
Question: Public media has listed and been told that Dr. Ford produced a list of twelve corroborating witnesses. Another woman, Deborah Ramirez, has provided a list of corroborating witnesses to her altercation with Mr. Kavanaugh, and a third woman, Julie Swetnick, has provided names of corroborating witnesses. The list we have is twenty. Did you interview corroborating witness #1?
Did you interview corroborating witness #2?
Did you interview corroborating witness #3?
Did you interview corroborating witness #4?
Did you interview corroborating witness #5?
Did you interview corroborating witness #6?
Did you interview corroborating witness #7?
Did you interview corroborating witness #8?
Did you interview corroborating witness #9?
Did you interview corroborating witness #10?
Did you interview corroborating witness #11?
Did you interview corroborating witness #12?
Did you interview corroborating witness #13?
Did you interview corroborating witness #14?
Did you interview corroborating witness #15?
Did you interview corroborating witness #16?
Did you interview corroborating witness #17?
Did you interview corroborating witness #18?
Did you interview corroborating witness #19?
Did you interview corroborating witness #20?
There were others who came forward and tried to contact the FBI with what they thought was meaningful information about Brett Kavanaugh, did you interview any of them?
I’ve been interviewed for folks wanting clearances. The level of investigation for even a GS-5 wanting a clearance gets more thoroughly investigated than what the FBI did for Kavanaugh.
Lat week we had hired a young man to cut our lawn. When I came home from a trip I discovered the lawn had deep tracks in it. There was even a spot where I could tell he had spun the machine to make a U-turn. When I asked him about it he told me that he realized the lawn was wet and that the machine got stuck several times and he had to “pull it out.”
I asked him, why didn’t he stop?
His answer – He wanted to get the job done.
954 Days to Go and Fifty Years
PS Getting the job done.