Saturday March 20, 2021
I have been using a weight loss app, and to save them any embarrassment or bad press I will only use the name in a word scramble. I’ll switch the second and third letter and the first and last and call it MOON.
What is interesting about the app is it really has little to do with weight loss directly but much more to do with psychology. It’s a great tool to learn how to make behavioral changes in yourself. Not only do they give you daily lessons of stuff you, by and large, have known but they do it in a manageable way and at about the time you need it. The app has a progression of six courses which take you along a path to, hopefully, be able to change the way you eat and think about food. The first course deals with food and they divide food into three groups: red, yellow, and green. The criteria is calories per weight. A grape would be a green food as it has few calories for its weight while a raisin (a dried grape) would be red.
That’s it. That’s all they say really about food you eat. Nothing is off the table (ha ha) but you should be careful when eating the calorie dense red stuff. You weigh in once a day, you enter your meals, you read the lessons. The meal entry is the easiest I’ve seen in an app. I have taken to eating an egg with sautéed onions, celery, and carrot in the morning. If I enter egg it brings up the other ingredients I have with it thus saving me the trouble of having to search an input each name each time. I can just click on the item.
They also have a group where you can share your experiences. The group has two coaches that make comments and issue challenges and give “helpful” hints.
And this is where I have gotten into trouble. I know “Me?” right. Hard to believe. (NOT!)
So I am in trouble for soliciting, exposing myself, and being dis-respectful. Sounds bad. But that isn’t the worst of it. They want me to post my favorite emoji to show that I understand the rules. Obviously they haven’t learned their lesson with me.
My favorite emoji? Hum. Maybe a turd pile? Maybe a stinking turd pile? Maybe a flaming shopping bag? (Which would have turds inside.) Maybe an eggplant? (No not that. It means a dick!) OMG, that’s right. Better to do one with the letters “DICK” in a frame? Maybe a pink purple sparkly pony or unicorn with pink purple sparkly hearts?
How about a park bench with a giant W on it. This would be an homage to Arlo Gutherie and Alice’s Restaurant where he was sitting on “The Group W Bench” with the mother rapers and father rapers smoking cigarettes and having a good old time.
When I was first in the group I invited people to sign up for one of Shelby’s Cook and Chats where they could learn how to cook something. Immediately, one of the coaches posted “The Rules” which said “No Soliciting.” Okay. I get it. Cool. I would have preferred a private message starting out “Hey Rick…” but that’s not the path she took, which would have been okay had she not immediately followed up with a rainbows and unicorns message asking me and asking how my positivity was going and what was my plan to make this an awesome week or some such passive aggressive shit.
I stayed away. I’m very cognizant of that kind of PA crap and am easily hooked by it. My interacting could have made it a lot worse.
So the other day the lesson was “Expose Yourself.” The idea being that you are more likely to succeed at a goal if you share it with someone else and more importantly that you reveal yourself in some personal way. But there’s an obvious double entendre here. I got silly and posted that I’d expose myself but it felt a little weird and I threw in a “as James brown would say ‘Help me!’ “
BANG immediately there a message from the coach with the title RESPECT and a “I guess I need to remind everyone what THE RULES are!!!” and the rules are posted again. Okay, but then she asked for us to post our favorite emoji to show we had read The Rules again.
And therein lies my quandary.
I’m also mystified about the respect thing. Was it the comment about exposing or the reference to The Godfather of Soul? BLM and all that. I clearly am not WOKE enough.
But I gotta say when a crude woman chants about her sweaty behind and vagina and wins artist of the year or whatever it was at The Grammys and in accepting the award sticks her tongue out like Maori warrior and gives a spastic looking gang sign at the same time I gotta ask, “What part of respect don’t I get?”
When the former president is under investigation in two different states for unrelated and multiple crimes and was twice impeached for other obvious crimes I gotta ask, “Respect?”
Or as that great sports clip that gets played every football season, “Playoffs? Don’t talk to me about playoffs. We’re just trying to win a game.”
Respect? Don’t talk to me about respect. I’m just trying to lose some weight and have some fun (on Santa Monica Boulevard or elsewhere.)
The President has hit his 100 million vaccinated in 100 days pledge but done it in 60 days. Now it looks like we may hit 200 million in 100 days. And some people are saying he set the bar too low. OMG. F! Them.
I feel better.
Thank you.
PS Meghan accepting her Grammy
(Class? Don’t talk to me about class!)
Leave a Reply